A change three years in the making

What a difference three years can make! Yes, I am fully aware that the saying is 'what a difference a day makes' - but I have seen this on a MUCH larger scale. Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of my RNY Gastric-Bypass surgery (known commonly as 'weight loss surgery'). I am overwhelmed and incredibly grateful when I think about the past three years, and the changes that have occurred in my life. God has done amazing things, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that He used the surgery and aftermath to transform my life.

I want to recount all of the amazing things that have happened over the past three years, and I'm kicking myself for not keeping a good account of them.  SO...I am going to start over....kind of. I am going to spend some time recapping some major milestones/events, and then I'll go back and provide as many details as I can remember on some of them. But, I am going to do that while adding in accounts of what I am doing and experiencing now. It is so easy in this time of my life to think that nothing is happening or that what is happening is not of significance, but that is not the case. I am learning to see each day as significant, and each situation as important and life altering. 

So the easiest way to tell a story is by pictures, right? Well, the captions speak for themselves, but here is a pictorial transformation three years in the making. 



Easter 2009 (1 month before surgery)

Mother's Day 2012 (three years after surgery)

Some highlights of the transformation:

- 100 pounds lost (still 20-25 more to go....but its a slow process!)

- Moved from Kansas City to Dallas

- Found a church that I LOVE

- Found an amazing Home Group of girls I love dearly

- Cut ties with some heavy strong influences in my life

- Learned to forgive myself and move on

- Rediscovered my absolute love for golf (which probably borders on an addiction)

- Set goals for myself that I failed miserably because God had bigger/better plans....and I loved every minute of it

- Traveled to some fun places (Chicago/Indiana, Boston, New York City, Jacksonville, San Diego) - and have a cruise planned for July

- Learned what people mean when they say 'find out who you really are' (I thought that was some new-agey crap people made up!)

- LIVED! and Loved every minute of it

What the pictures don't tell you or show you, is the complete transformation on the inside as well.  It will take numerous blog posts to explain all of that, and it hasn't been all that easy. I have learned that I am stubborn.  Ok, ok, I knew that all along, but what I really learned is that I am stubborn with God.  I have heard his voice so clearly in the past year and a half, yet still wrestled with Him and what He has told me at times.  But overall.....overall, I would say the beginning of this journey, Mother's Day 2008 started a complete transformation that I am forever grateful and forever overwhelmed by. God has been so good to me - even when I want to whine and complain that He hasn't given me what I want - in the grand scheme of all of, He has been amazing!
I can't wait to share more of the journey....

The Journey

Our pastor described David the other day as seeming schizophrenic - especially as you read through the Psalms. In one chapter he will be praising God and saying how he has never felt closer to him, then simply turn the page and he is lamenting and asking God where he has gone, why he is hiding himself from David. When Matt first said that, I could not stop laughing...but lately, I have realized that is me - 100%.
I am at a place right now where I have never understood God more or felt closer to Him. My prayers are deeper, less selfish, I am learning to actually listen - to be still in my prayers. It is freeing and refreshing and wonderful. Then in the next breath, the tide wave of depression knocks me over, and I start to feel like I am drowning again. In those moments (or days), I ask God repeatedly where he is and why I can't feel him. I feel forgotten, lost, and overwhelmingly lonely. Then I start to feel guilty...who am I to question where God is or what work He is going? I "know" the promises he has written for me. I "know" the love he has spoken over me. He knew me before the world began...He knew what I would look like, what I would act like, what my personality would be, what my downfalls are, and what my stumbling blocks would be. Yet He created me anyway, and loves me anyway. When I see God blatantly working in the lives of those around me, it doesn't mean that he isn't working in my life. Just because I can't see it right now, doesn't mean it is not happening.
The depression hurts...but not physically. Not even emotionally, all the time. It hurts constantly spiritually. I feel like if I prayed more, read my bible more, studied more, loved God more, just believed more - then I wouldn't be depressed. Then I would be happy. Then I could sleep through the night. Then I wouldn't cry at random times throughout the day. Then I wouldn't be as frustrated or irritable or annoyed. Then I would be happy - all the time. Because like David, there are days and moments that I am right there - so close, so happy, so full of joy and love and life. But those days don't last forever. That is what I am seeking - for the joy and love and life to last through each day. Stupid depression....I'll keep fighting you. But I'm no longer going to fight with tears or frustration...I'm going to stay on my knees and let my God handle you! He has given me a tender heart, the ability to feel so many emotions at one time, the ability to see every side of an issue/situation/argument, the ability to love unconditionally even those who have hurt me severely. He has given me all of that....he can fight the depression. And I will return to loving and living a life full of joy. Even if I do not reach the destination that I have in mind for me, the journey will be blessed and beautiful.